Top Funny Quotes

I rant, therefore I am.

Thank you for helping my sister, he says.I lean forward, mimicking his position. I’m happy to.Calliope leans out her window. STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."...

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him.

Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.

Don't you want to know what cookies is a code word for? No! Good God, no!

She made an impatient noise. By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other...

If I get killed, put my boots back on me.

Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass.

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

I’ve got money! Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. I mean, I don’t know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I...

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing. Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had.

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment progra...