Top Funny Quotes

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

The fact that the person who you are sleeping with is also sleeping with another person or other people does not necessarily mean that he or she does not love you. And the fact that you are the only p...

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

Even so have I given the womb of the earth to those that be sown in it in their times.

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

He shall rule, whom they look not for that dwell upon the earth, and the fowls shall take their flight away together:

I once took a poo in the woods while hunched over like an animal. It was AWESOME.

Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.

More often than not, expecting to lose weight without first losing the diet that made the weight loss necessary is like expecting a pig to be spotless after hosing it down while it was still rolling i...

If we were not impressed by job titles, suits, and jargon, we would demand that financial advisors show us their personal bank statements before they tell us what we could or should do with our own mo...

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had t...

Christians sometimes make themselves into elephants afraid of mice. You have the Creator of the universe on your side; not to mention, you've been given eternal life. 'Whom or what shall you fear?' To...

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights)

It was an emergency!" Seth blurted. "Read my lips - emergency reading - not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head, I would watch a soap...

I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is 'In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.'

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.