Top Funny Quotes

I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.

I'm worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in grad school, a friend of a friend, and just listening to her talk is scary. The semiotic dialetics of...

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and...

Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass.

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

We didn't have time to get you an actual haircut, she said. Seriously, did you do it yourself? Maybe without a mirror?I put a hand up to my head self-consciously and said, I had some help from the Gen...

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

I’ve got money! Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. I mean, I don’t know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I...

The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk’s two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn’t tell if they were black or an extremely dark br...

Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem. Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening. S...

Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.''Girls don't shave', Arya said.'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their par...

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill's a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

Oh, Scarlett, you are so young you wring my heart.

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

Imagine for a moment that you are the proud owner of a large house which you have spent years of your life painting and decorating and filling with everything you love. It's your home. It's something...

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?