Top Funny Humor Quotes

I love you all - if you are not people!

I'm good at blowjob.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month "leave" I wonder if he will be "Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.

Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt." She paused "Horizontally." Sara laughed. "Again?

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are.

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

I have great respect for you - once you are dead, and gone

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

Ooh, big day in town for our park warden, I said. They’re even making you wear the uniform.Hayley’s mom will be happy. She thinks you look hot in it.Dad turned as red as his hair.Mom’s laugh floated o...

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

Laughter is the best medicine

I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Even betting against myself, I could always find a way to lose.