Top Funny Quotes

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?Bob's eyes darted nervously. I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.

The creative process is a love story that never ends. The ideas are like suitors competing for your attention. You may have relationships, with multiple ideas, at once. You may devote yourself complet...

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find her some.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I agree that sometimes it is difficult to choose between right and wrong, but not between right and stupid.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared for you.

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature.

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Kate stood by the door with her arms crossed.That was an anti-Curran pose. What the hell was the Beast Lord doing here?I padded to the door.First, you didn’t come home. Curran’s voice held zero humor....

Irene gasped. Have you taken leave of your senses, Stuart? she hissed. Have you?Stuart closed his eyes.No, he said. Au contraire. It was strong language for the Edinburgh New Town, but he had to say i...

I've got the Mark of Cain, said Simon. That means nothing can kill me, right?You can kill yourself, Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So...

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon--You deserve to be taken out of circulation!