The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.