“ Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you if you'll just rattle your jewelry. John Lennon
“ At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy. Howell Heflin
“ Goldie Hawn is funny sexy beautiful talented intelligent warm and consistently sunny. Other than that she doesn't impress me at all. Neil Simon
“ Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks. Anonymous
“ I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot." Anonymous
“ A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life. Wendy Morgan
“ The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
“ It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man." Ted Kavanaugh
“ A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them. George Jessel
“ Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does. Al Bernstein
“ I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine. Spike Milligan
“ I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before. Anonymous
“ An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics] so let's just think of this as empty. Anonymous
“ I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. Edward Verrall Lucas
“ Speeches are like steer horns - a point here a point there and a lot of bull in between. Evelyn Anderson
