Top Openers Quotes

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

Goldie Hawn is funny sexy beautiful talented intelligent warm and consistently sunny. Other than that she doesn't impress me at all.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life.

This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"

I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."

A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them.

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.

An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics] so let's just think of this as empty.

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

Speeches are like steer horns - a point here a point there and a lot of bull in between.

On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've...

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.