The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
It's good to play and you must keep in practice.
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Men want to make women happy.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.