Neil Simon Quote

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."

A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life.

This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."