On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've...
A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning provided its end is close to its beginning.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.
Once you get people laughing they're listening and you can tell them almost anything.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.
As Spinoza or someone very much like him once said . . .
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked.
Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection.
I was chosen to speak today based on my senility.
Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus...
Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."
We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.
A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
My father gave me these hints on speech making: Be sincere ... be brief ... be seated.
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
After such an introduction I can hardly wait to hear what I'm going to say.
Some people might say that I think too highly of you just because I worship the water you walk on.