Shiny, let's be bad guys!
For like as the ground is given unto the wood, and the sea to his floods: even so they that dwell upon the earth may understand nothing but that which is upon the earth: and he that dwell above the he...
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
You look like a hot tamale.That’s not really a compliment.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friend...
Pissing is the least of my talents. You ought to see me shit
In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.Fight or flight.Yes.Only half of...
If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.
I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air
At the zoo, I stood in front of the primate cage listening to a woman marvel at how presidential the four-hundred-pound gorilla looked sitting astride a shorn oaken limb, keeping a watchful eye over h...
Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.
The old who refuse to die merely on principle live on forever, to hate life and complain of all the things they could have been spared had they the good sense to die young.
When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.
What will he then do unto his name whereby we are called? ...of these things have I asked.
Hear me, and I will instruct thee; hearken to the thing that I say, and I shall tell thee more.
The place had enormous possibilities. He realized that at once. The stream, of course, was perfect for sailing toy boats, for skipping stones, and, in the event of failing inspiration, for falling int...
Somebody should have taken him to a stationary store and pointed out the difference between an envelope and a whore.
Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the...
At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.