It was supposed to say Great Artist on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say such a good teacher/daughter/friend instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big letters on that...
In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.Fight or flight.Yes.Only half of...
Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart al...
Clicking on send has its limitations as a system of subtle communication. Which is why, of course, people use so many dashes and italics and capitals (I AM joking!) to compensate. That's why they came...
Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let's put jewellery on each other and dance
She nibbles her pencil... She's human!
Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of yo...
Do not thou hasten above the most Highest: for thy haste is in vain to be above him, for thou hast much exceeded.
Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friend...
Perhaps a sense of death is like a sense of humour. We all think the one we've got - or haven't got - is just about right, and appropriate to the proper understanding of life. It's everyone else who's...
I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air
And Raphael will be joining us, Andrea said. So you get twice the backup. Nobody will be killing you on our watch.So that was what this was all about. I got a cookie after all. Aww. I had no idea you...
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Wit is the only wall Between us and the dark.
A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.
Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.
It may take a village to raise a baby, but hell! it takes an army to produce a book.
Love is like chickenpox. It's much worse when it comes late.
When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.
As for the tokens whereof thou ask me, I may tell thee of them in part: but as touching thy life, I am not sent to shew thee.