It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.
Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!
When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.
It was supposed to say Great Artist on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say such a good teacher/daughter/friend instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big letters on that...
i do not give a sh*t, the toilet miss me now
Perhaps a sense of death is like a sense of humour. We all think the one we've got - or haven't got - is just about right, and appropriate to the proper understanding of life. It's everyone else who's...
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.
Please, comrade! I just want to chop him up for the stew!''And that's another thing! I'm tired of stew! I want to put him in a crust and bake a light fluffy quiche!''QUICHE?! What kind of food is THAT...
The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.
They made for his noise far quicker than he had expected. They were frightfully angry. Quite apart from the stones no spider has ever like being called Attercop, and Tomnoddy of course, is insulting t...
Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart al...
The woman behind the bar called out: ‘Why do you stand like hypnotized fish? Did you come to drink beer or to eat food?’‘Be patient,’ said Gersen. ‘We are making our decision.’The remark annoyed the w...
Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of yo...
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Just think how many books I could've sold if Harry had been a bit more creative with his wand." -[On the success of 50 Shades of Grey]
I'm hungry.''Me too.''Will you get us something to eat?''I suppose I could take a look around. Maybe find a baby bird or a dead squirrel, or something. One word about a quiche, and I'll kill you.''Whi...
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
I'm too old to know everything
As for the tokens whereof thou ask me, I may tell thee of them in part: but as touching thy life, I am not sent to shew thee.
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