Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy...
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Plan...
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the p...
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.
If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.
That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.'
No, my mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.