“ Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. Stephen Colbert
“ Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE. Stephen Colbert
“ NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ Stephen Colbert
“ My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again. Stephen Colbert
“ Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy… Stephen Colbert
“ There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). Stephen Colbert
“ Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists. Stephen Colbert
“ Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Plan… Stephen Colbert
“ If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. Stephen Colbert
“ If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. Stephen Colbert
“ If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! Stephen Colbert
“ I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry. Stephen Colbert
“ Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. Stephen Colbert
“ It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. Stephen Colbert
“ If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the p… Stephen Colbert
“ When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter. Stephen Colbert
“ I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising. Stephen Colbert
“ If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked. Stephen Colbert
“ That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.' Stephen Colbert
