Top Humour Quotes

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

My dad gave me a present once,' Nico said. 'It was a zombie.' Reyna stared at him. 'What?' 'His name is Jules-Albert. He's French.''A... French zombie?

I'm sorry, he muttered. If I... uh, hurt your feelings or something.

She wore a loose bathrobe that covered up a body that would have won first prize in a beauty contest for cement blocks.....She had a voice that made pearl harbour sound like a lullaby.

This faulty light fitting at the front door with the dangerously flickering bulb looks rather festive. Who says I don't do Christmas?

He was silent. Well! Now she knew how right she had been. He was not in the least in love with her, and very happy she was to know it, All she wanted was a suitable retreat, such as a lumber-room, or...

Thou hast given a right judgment, but why judge thou not thyself also?

And yet their reward appear not, and their labor had no fruit: for I have gone here and there through the heathen, and I see that they flow in wealth, and think not upon thy commandments.

An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.

Iniquity shall be increased above that which now thou see, or that thou hast heard long ago.

Mary bit her lip. She is merely saying hello., Tottie agreed. . Her hand glided over his chest and headed down. cocky

Those who can, teach; those who can't, criticize.

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormentin...

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go scream...

Any man will admit if need be that his sight is not good or that he cannot swim or shoots badly with a rifle but to touch upon his sense of humour is to give him mortal affront.

I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian w...

As usual, he saves his wife's for last. He leans on the cane and he looks at the headstone and he thinks about many things. Taffy. He thinks about taffy. He thinks it would take his teeth out now, but...

The love of truth lies at the root of much humour.

Salt waters shall be found in the sweet, and all friends shall destroy one another; then shall wit hide itself, and understanding withdraw itself into his secret chamber-

A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop.I gaped.My precious, perfectly brand...