Top Introductions Quotes

Okay, so I shouldn't have fucked with her on the introduction thing. Writing nothing except, in her notebook probably wasn't the smartest move. But I was itching to make Little Miss stumble in her i...

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

Goldie Hawn is funny sexy beautiful talented intelligent warm and consistently sunny. Other than that she doesn't impress me at all.

At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life.

I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."

This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."

Cassie?It’s Sammy, holding on to Ben, because he’s feeling the Ben thing a little more than he is the Cassie one at the moment. Who’s this guy falling from the ductwork, and what’s he doing with my si...

A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them.

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.

An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics] so let's just think of this as empty.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.