I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Speeches are like steer horns - a point here a point there and a lot of bull in between.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've...
A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning provided its end is close to its beginning.
As Spinoza or someone very much like him once said . . .
Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
I was chosen to speak today based on my senility.
I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency it will be okay.
Once you get people laughing they're listening and you can tell them almost anything.
Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."
We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked.
I don't want to be patronizing . . . that means "talking down."
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening.
Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection.
We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.
My father gave me these hints on speech making: Be sincere ... be brief ... be seated.