Top Humour Quotes

The eidolons started pounding on the door. 'Who is it?' Leo called. 'Valdez!''Valdez who?

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because—what with trolls and dwarfs and so on—speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

Anyone who says "Trust me" is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I've got it right.)Howe'er it was, he go...

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

There are only three rules in life. Traffic is real, Fire Burns and You Cannot Fly

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique by which I would be so easily and so quickly judged, then gave me a mind by which I would so dee...

When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

I jumped on Sinbad's bottle. Nothing happened. I didn't do it again. Sometimes when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o'er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don't know why I can...

Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.

What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...

If the apocalypse comes...beep me!

A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. For two weeks now his sense of smell had been much keener, no doubt a side effect of a strict diet. Ma...