Top Humour Quotes

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and plan...

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

Big flashy things have my name written all over them. Well... not yet, give me time and a crayon.

O Lord that bear rule, who may know these things, but he that had not his dwelling with men?

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in o...

Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.

I beseech thee, O Lord, let me have understanding: For it was not my mind to be curious of the high things, but of such as pass by us daily.

I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure! the Queen said. Twopence a week, and jam every other day.Alice couldn't help laughing, as she said, I don't want you to hire me - and I don't care for jam.It's ve...

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.

Yes, you are still grieving for the fact that Olly is not loving you as you love him. But death is no solution. Certainly not this horrible, messy death. Could you at least not consider possible optio...

Go thy way, and tell my people, the people of thy Lord God what manner of things, and how great wonders of the Lord thy God, thou hast seen.

To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste........ well played.

It is a building designed by committee: all they have been able to agree on is that it should be rectangular, have windows, and not fall over.

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have...