Top Funny Quotes

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two...

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up.

The world is your lobster!

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least li...

He laughs. Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on.I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I've got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit. I reach out for t...

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

In the grave the chambers of souls are like the womb of a woman: For like as a woman that travails make haste to escape the necessity of the travail: even so do these places haste to deliver those thi...

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say.I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'Well, yeah, that too.I don't think those are very practical solutions to doubt, Oberon s...

So, sneered Fudge, recovering himself, you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?Merlin’s beard, no, said Dumbledore, smiling. Not unless you ar...

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term 'entrepreneur' but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is hard to explain the wild fl...