Top Funny Quotes

Congratulations to your mom and dad for birth of a sweet child!Sorry that I couldn't wish them when you were born.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Also, in a funny way, if you have been happily married there are no unresolved areas, nothing to prove to yourself after the other dies.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinmineth...

I'm beginning to think my name has been changed to 'Damn it' or 'Asshole'" Styxx

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

What did Isabelle want?" Jace asked.Alec hesitated. "Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.""Sure," said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her...

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending.And perhaps they will run scream...

I took her dress over to the closet and hung it up. It was funny. It made me feel sort of sad when I hung it up. I thought of her going in a store and buying it, and nobody in the store knowing she wa...

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are...

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through...