You're only young once but you can always be immature.
Remember when we used to laugh at old people when we were young? Do you recall what was so funny?
I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
Women don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty but when you get to be seventy it stretches into a condor.
I'm sixty-five but if there were fifteen months in every year I'd only be forty-eight.
Of all the things I miss the thing I miss the most is my mind.
I was going to take you out to lunch for your birthday . . . but you already are.
There are three ages of man: youth middle age and "Gee you look good."
He is at an age that whenever a pretty girl smiles at him he immediately looks down to see what is unzipped.
Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is.
Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.
You know you're getting older when you don't care where your wife goes just so you don't have to go along.
We've reached an age that when construction workers stare at us it's because they figure we might be considering a remodeling job.
If you think a lot of the comments made tonight are not funny but are immature and tasteless that's only because the sense of humor is the first thing to go.
When we're young we want to change the world. When we're old we want to change the young.
Life begins at fifty but so does bad eyesight arthritis and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same listeners.
Try to accept each other for what you are and don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose - and his ears.
The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car - you know it's set back but you don't know how far.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
To what do you attribute your advanced age? Well I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died.