To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.
Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.
Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.
Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.
If I were married, I would be unmarried.
Now that I had assigned myself an act without jokes, I gave myself a rule. Never let them know I was bombing
The gods too are fond of a joke.
Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.
Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.
You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.
Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..
Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.
New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get face-to-face with sharks, so he went diving in waters...
Seinfeld was typically American in that show. He was a pretty funny guy, but he had no sense of style. Tacky like a Texan tux. Tasteless dressing and tasteful jokes. That's Seinfeld for me. I would ha...
Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.
Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.
Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.
We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.
Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to...
There is funny ha-ha, and there is funny peculiar, and beneath a trapdoor in Kevin's mind is a place where the two blur together, the place of jokes, churning so furiously frequently, when it kicks up...
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