I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
Goldie Hawn is funny sexy beautiful talented intelligent warm and consistently sunny. Other than that she doesn't impress me at all.
At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.
A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life.
I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."
This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.