I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.
As my mother used to say: "Mimic a duck act calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like crazy underneath."
Some people might say that I think too highly of you just because I worship the water you walk on.
As Spinoza or someone very much like him once said . . .
My job is to talk to you and your job is to listen. If you finish first please let me know.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
I don't want to be patronizing . . . that means "talking down."
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening.
I was told to be accurate be brief and then be seated. ... So I promise I shall be brief as possible - no matter how long it takes me.
Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus...
I was chosen to speak today based on my senility.
We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked.
I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .
A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
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