Henny Youngman Quotes

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.