When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.