Top Yous Quotes

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

It is always dullest before the yawn.

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.

Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.

I love a finished speaker I really truly do. I don't mean one who's polished I just mean one who's through.

Nouvelle cuisine roughly translated means "I can't believe I spent ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."

I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.

Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.

I'd like to thank the committee that brought this event about. It was an equal endeavor. They did the food decorations and reservations and I did the traffic flow.

I thank you for not snoring.

I noticed you weren't checking your watches - you've been shaking them.

A sense of humor is the ability to laugh at your own jokes when your friends tell them.

Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.

Here's to one of the most beautiful kind thoughtful people I have ever known . . . You are getting more like me every day.

Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Let's face it some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.