The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
It is always dullest before the yawn.
There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.
Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I thank you for not snoring.
I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs.
If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I love a finished speaker I really truly do. I don't mean one who's polished I just mean one who's through.
Nouvelle cuisine roughly translated means "I can't believe I spent ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.
I noticed you weren't checking your watches - you've been shaking them.
A sense of humor is the ability to laugh at your own jokes when your friends tell them.
The best way to save face is keep the bottom half shut.
It is almost impossible to find those who admire us entirely lacking in taste.
Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.
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