The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
It is always dullest before the yawn.
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I thank you for not snoring.
I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs.
Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.
Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.
I love a finished speaker I really truly do. I don't mean one who's polished I just mean one who's through.
The best way to save face is keep the bottom half shut.
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
I noticed you weren't checking your watches - you've been shaking them.
I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Nouvelle cuisine roughly translated means "I can't believe I spent ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
I forgot they were talking about me. They sound so wonderfully convincing.