I never liked being a salesman. . . . Ever since I got my first two orders: Get out! and Stay out!
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.
When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
America has not always been kind to its artists and scholars. Somehow the scientists always seem to get the penthouse while the arts and humanities get the basement.
I don't like the fact that doctors are referred to as practicing.
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.
Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead Spenser is dead so is Milton so is Shakespeare and I'm not feeling so...
Vice president: That's the title given to a corporate manager instead of a raise.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is very important.
Ask a writer what he thinks about critics and the answer you get is similar to what you get when you ask a lamppost how he feels about dogs.
Before I started working here I drank smoked and used bad language. Thanks to this job I now have good reason.
Professional life is like a fire hydrant. You spend all of your time putting out fires and standing your ground against the big dogs.
Downsizing means you're about to become the guest of honor at a going-away party.
I left journalism because I met too many interesting people at an uninteresting salary.
Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you're too old to get the job.