The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not...
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.