“ My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner
“ Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to. Rita Rudner
“ I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. Rita Rudner
“ I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Rita Rudner
“ We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner
“ I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
“ Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Rita Rudner
“ Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. Rita Rudner
“ Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. Rita Rudner
“ Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' Rita Rudner
