You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm you were the quickest.
Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!
I've just learned about his illness let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Why does our host always have tears in his eyes after sex? Due to the pepper spray.
I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.
The only way she could get a standing ovation would be if she sang "The Star-Spangled Banner."
His voice is to entertainment what the kazoo is to classical music.
Some people can carry a tune but they seem to stagger under the load.
Every word she writes is a lie including and and the.
When she told her doctor that she always wanted to keep her weight exactly the same as her IQ he gave her a lecture on anorexia.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
If he can remember so many jokes With all the details that mold them Why can't he recall with equal skill All the times he told them!
I just thought you might like to know that I passed a kennel on the way to the game and your mother is all right.
All right, all right for you, you pretentious kneecap! How would you like a punch in the eye?
Be quiet! Anyone can spit in my face, and call me a criminal and a prostitute. But no one has the right to judge my remorse.
Christ, I walk through an inferno unscatched, then singe my ass on the flight back.[...]You guys are the ... the heart and brain of the Great Machine.Yeah? Then you're the inflamed anus.You're not the...
Goddamn fatherfucking asshole politician moral paraplegic dipshit drag-queen bitch!
Granny Weatherwax was a witch. That was quite acceptable in the Ramtops, and no one had a bad word to say about witches. At least, not if he wanted to wake up in the morning the same shape as he went...
He gave me a severe look over his spectacles and said, as if he thought the words were deadly venom and might kill me, You are an untidy person.
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