Top Funny Quotes

It is not what they say, but the reaction that tells you everything you need to know.

Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.

Funny Definition

(superl.) Droll; comical; amusing; laughable.

(n.) A clinkerbuit, narrow boat for sculling.

Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. Guess what? She leaned closer. You will...

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Get high on love, not drugs.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

I'm the G when you spell OG

Imagine for a moment that you are the proud owner of a large house which you have spent years of your life painting and decorating and filling with everything you love. It's your home. It's something...

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay i...

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Acting is all about big hair and funny props... All the great actors knew it. Olivier knew it, Brando knew it.

A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.