Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than...
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.