Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than...
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.