I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
I was told to be accurate be brief and then be seated. ... So I promise I shall be brief as possible - no matter how long it takes me.
When I told her we were going to roast her she said "Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent."
speaker: I have only ten minutes and hardly know where to begin. voice in back: Begin at the ninth.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."
We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked.
I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .
The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening.
I was chosen to speak today based on my senility.
Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus...
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