Top Humour Quotes

After all, what else is scientific enquiry of any sort other than a controlled version of banging one's head against the universe until something gives?

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.

Amy: Pond and her boys . . . my poncho boys. If we're going to die, let's die looking like a peruvian folk band.

Don't ask me who's influenced me. A lion is made up of all the lambs he's digested, and I've been reading all my life.

Network administrators all share an abiding and passionate desire for one thing: We want our users to shut up.

I like you but you mightn't feel the same way about me, and I wouldn't blame you. To save us both from any awkward moments I've figured out an easy way to do this. Nod if you're even slightly interest...

...trying to predict whether global warming will moderate the next ice age is not only impossible but irrelevant. It doesn't help us get through the next few centuries. And one can only imagine our fu...

You ask me why I write. You might as well ask me why I breathe. I need oxygen to feed my body and ink to feed my soul.

I wish you all the best in life. Hell, I will even write your obituary for free.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad', and if you're planning on writing that's probably a good thing. But if you are planning on writing and they haven't fucked you up, well, you've got nothing to go o...

The man up there raged aloud in two languages, and with a sincerity in his fury that almost convinced me I had, in some way, sinned against the harmony of the universe

No Matter what you're, Matter is ; What you do.

One grey hair appeared on my headI plucked it out with my hand.It answered me: "You have prevailed against me alone -What will you do when my army comes after me?

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

You're alright, I guess; for, you're just being you, like any other cuckoo.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

Caricature: putting the face of a joke upon the body of a truth.

Give me a fucking pre-med you fuckers, I'm a personal friend of Sir Lancelot Spratt.

Could be. I’m a pretty dangerous dude when I’m cornered.Yeah, said the voice from under the table, you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.