Top Humour Quotes

So Basically I'm the Antichrist , and the whole world is fucked because of me" - Jordon Hanson.

Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse.

Pardon me if, reading that, I want to laugh, because you want to relieve me of a fear I've never had. I've never thought that, as they say, you eat little children.

two Lesbian Agents with glazed faces of grafted penis flesh sat sipping spinal fluid through alabaster straws

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

Aglaya just rolled her eyes. "You're like a ten year-old.""Ten-and-a-half," Kev defended. "But I read at a fourteen year-old level.

Try me, and you will start LOVING..!!

Amazin'.' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?''Er...yes.''But he's not actually thinking?''Er...no.''So...he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show...

I'm holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I've made friends with space hamsters. I think we've stretched believability rather far, don't you?

At my lowest point, when things were at their most desperate and uncomfortable, I always found myself in the company of Australians, who were like a reminder that I'd touched bottom.

I once tried to give him a friendly little "drugs chat". He politely corrected me on every single fact, then said he'd noticed I drank above the recommended guidelines of Red Bull and did I think I mi...

Any advice for how to be a successful author?""Yes. Don't be a woman. And be dead. And do both at the same time, if you can.

That you exist, is offense enough to arrest you.

Formerly these harsh cells in which the discipline of the prison leaves the condemned to himself were composed of four stone walls, a ceiling of stone, a pavement of tiles, a camp bed, a grated air-ho...

Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.

Humour is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?Yeah, I say. As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.I know you’re joking with me. Yo...