Top Humour Quotes

I have no problem with god - it's his fan club that scares me.

The qualities I am looking for in Miss Right are intelligence and humour.

A nonhuman animal had better have a good lawyer. In 1508, Bartholomé Chassenée earned fame and fortune for his eloquent representation of the rats of his French province. These rats had been charged w...

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.'...

I click to buy it and I’m furious to discover that it’s not available in Ireland and they won’t post it from abroad and the only place that sells it is Harrods and it’s impossible for me to go to Harr...

I think she’s too ignorant to be a witch.

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?What do you think?Then I’m not going to let you go.

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will ca...

I’ll always be your friend, he said. Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too. He groaned and shifted in his chair. Soon. I want to be that soon. Then a look came over him. Oh...

You are sauntering along the back streets of Avallon; you step into a tavern for a cup of wine. A great lummox claims that you have molested his wife; he takes up his cutlass and comes at you. So now!...

You look like a hot tamale.That’s not really a compliment.

You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?How does McDonald’s sound?Inadequate.

Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they’ll be even more frightened of marriage than they are presently.

There shall be confusion also in many places, and the fire shall be oft sent out again, and the wild beasts shall change their places, and menstruate women shall bring forth monsters:

Did not the souls also of the righteous ask question of these things in their chambers, saying, "How long shall I hope on this fashion?" when cometh the fruit of the floor of our reward?

If I have found favor in thy sight, and if it be possible, and if I be meet therefore, shew me then whether there be more to come than is past, or more past than is to come.

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.