W. C. Fields Quotes

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.