I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigge...
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happenin...
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straig...
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'...
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. T...