I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's wh...