When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.