I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'