Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's...
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.