Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happenin...
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's...
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.