I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigge...
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happenin...
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. T...
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straig...
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'...