“ Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven Wright
“ I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' Steven Wright
“ I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. Steven Wright
“ For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright
“ I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6. Steven Wright
“ I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright
“ I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. Steven Wright
“ I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
“ I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. Steven Wright
