What's another word for Thesaurus?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
How young can you die of old age?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.