My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.