My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.