“ Dr. Bone Specialist came in, made me stand up and hobble across the room, checked my reflexes, and then made me lie down on the table. He bent my right knee this way and that, up and down, all the way… Laurie Notaro
“ It was 1976.It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how to use it. It had a belt wi… Laurie Notaro
“ How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of… Laurie Notaro
“ The lesson here is that a giant cupcake tattoo is typically an indication of two things: (1) Sister go her hands on some crystal meth, and (2) Sister smoked that crystal meth and kept smoking it until… Laurie Notaro
“ Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial inv… Laurie Notaro
“ If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally and if something blocks one route, find another. Never give up. Laurie Notaro
“ Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent. Laurie Notaro
“ It was the gift that every girl dreams of, to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their lives were without you, how they were suddenly and at once deeply sorrowed at all of… Laurie Notaro
“ As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman who is revealed as completely inadequate by the lightin… Laurie Notaro
“ I realized that you don't try on a pair of pants, fart in them, and then put them back on the shelf, and the same rough politeness applied here, too. Plain and simple, I bled on it, I bought it. Laurie Notaro
“ I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog… Laurie Notaro
“ It's a well-known fact that black sheep should never have lambs. You know what you get when you take a black sheep and give it a lamb? You get a thing called supervised visitation that's what. Laurie Notaro
“ It's a proclamation he regards as complete absolution from answering...as if his last name was Bush, he was eighteen, and there was a draft going on. Laurie Notaro
“ Knock, knock.who's there?it's cancer.cancer who?cancer of the section right behind your belly button that you have been trying to pass off as the pinch of ovulation. but it's not. it's cancer. it's me… Laurie Notaro
“ Okay, okay,' I said to my husband as he picked up a food dehydrator off the table and shot me a look. 'Maybe I did get carried away. Maybe the world won't end in a year, maybe it won't end until 2028,… Laurie Notaro
“ Whaddaya mean 'old maids,' ha? The term is 'unclaimed treasure,' buddy, 'unclaimed treasure! Laurie Notaro
“ I looked around. This house only the night before had been a home, and serves as a storage locker for memories that I could barely remember and a bunch of things I'd rather forget. Laurie Notaro
