Laurie Notaro Quotes

Dr. Bone Specialist came in, made me stand up and hobble across the room, checked my reflexes, and then made me lie down on the table. He bent my right knee this way and that, up and down, all the way...

Dr. Bone Specialist came in, made me stand up and hobble across the room, checked my reflexes, and then made me lie down on the table. He bent my right knee this way and that, up and down, all the way...

Laurie Notaro

Tags: back pain, bedside manner, daughter, doctor patient relationship, doctors, excruciating, family relation, listening skills, mother, pain

It was 1976.It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how to use it. It had a belt wi...

Laurie Notaro

It was 1976.It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how to use it. It had a belt wi...

Laurie Notaro

Tags: health, humor, junior high, menstruation, nurse, school

About Author

Laurie Notaro (born October 1965 in Brooklyn, New York) is an American writer.
She co-founded Planet Magazine, and was a senior editor at Tucson Monthly, a full-color city magazine. Notaro was a columnist for ten years at The Arizona Republic. In October 2001, her book The Idiot Girls’ Action Adventure Club was picked up by Random House, which resulted in eleven books. She published with Simon & Schuster with Crossing the Horizon and Potty Mouth at the Table. Her latest book, Excuse Me While I Disappear, is published by Little A and is a collection of musings on a Gen X-er becoming an AARP-er. Numerous articles, essays, and novels have followed, and she was a finalist for The Thurber Award for American Humor. She has written for The New York Times, Glamour, Oprah, BARK Magazine, USA Today, Village Voice Media, and BUST.
Notaro was raised in Phoenix, Arizona, She graduated from Arizona State University with a degree in journalism. She currently lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband.

The lesson here is that a giant cupcake tattoo is typically an indication of two things: (1) Sister go her hands on some crystal meth, and (2) Sister smoked that crystal meth and kept smoking it until...

Laurie Notaro

The lesson here is that a giant cupcake tattoo is typically an indication of two things: (1) Sister go her hands on some crystal meth, and (2) Sister smoked that crystal meth and kept smoking it until...

Laurie Notaro

I realized that you don't try on a pair of pants, fart in them, and then put them back on the shelf, and the same rough politeness applied here, too. Plain and simple, I bled on it, I bought it.

Laurie Notaro

I realized that you don't try on a pair of pants, fart in them, and then put them back on the shelf, and the same rough politeness applied here, too. Plain and simple, I bled on it, I bought it.

Laurie Notaro

Okay, okay,' I said to my husband as he picked up a food dehydrator off the table and shot me a look. 'Maybe I did get carried away. Maybe the world won't end in a year, maybe it won't end until 2028,...

Laurie Notaro

Okay, okay,' I said to my husband as he picked up a food dehydrator off the table and shot me a look. 'Maybe I did get carried away. Maybe the world won't end in a year, maybe it won't end until 2028,...

Laurie Notaro

It's a well-known fact that black sheep should never have lambs. You know what you get when you take a black sheep and give it a lamb? You get a thing called supervised visitation that's what.

Laurie Notaro

It's a well-known fact that black sheep should never have lambs. You know what you get when you take a black sheep and give it a lamb? You get a thing called supervised visitation that's what.

Laurie Notaro

I’m not big on meeting new people, especially new people I’m never going to see again. There’s all kinds of uninteresting, insincere banter, I have to pretend to be a nice person, and because 96 perce...

Laurie Notaro

I’m not big on meeting new people, especially new people I’m never going to see again. There’s all kinds of uninteresting, insincere banter, I have to pretend to be a nice person, and because 96 perce...

Laurie Notaro

Knock, knock.who's there?it's cancer.cancer who?cancer of the section right behind your belly button that you have been trying to pass off as the pinch of ovulation. but it's not. it's cancer. it's me...

Laurie Notaro

Knock, knock.who's there?it's cancer.cancer who?cancer of the section right behind your belly button that you have been trying to pass off as the pinch of ovulation. but it's not. it's cancer. it's me...

Laurie Notaro

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog...

Laurie Notaro

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog...

Laurie Notaro

Tags: death, dogs, humor

I looked around. This house only the night before had been a home, and serves as a storage locker for memories that I could barely remember and a bunch of things I'd rather forget.

Laurie Notaro

I looked around. This house only the night before had been a home, and serves as a storage locker for memories that I could barely remember and a bunch of things I'd rather forget.

Laurie Notaro

If there was a National Tweaker Olympics, Oregon would bring home the gold in every category (Living in Squalor, Poisoning Your Neighbors, Developing Facial Scabs, Public Aggression, Theft of Useless...

Laurie Notaro

If there was a National Tweaker Olympics, Oregon would bring home the gold in every category (Living in Squalor, Poisoning Your Neighbors, Developing Facial Scabs, Public Aggression, Theft of Useless...

Laurie Notaro

Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren’t dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.

Laurie Notaro

Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren’t dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.

Laurie Notaro

As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman who is revealed as completely inadequate by the lightin...

Laurie Notaro

As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman who is revealed as completely inadequate by the lightin...

Laurie Notaro

Whaddaya mean 'old maids,' ha? The term is 'unclaimed treasure,' buddy, 'unclaimed treasure!

Laurie Notaro

Whaddaya mean 'old maids,' ha? The term is 'unclaimed treasure,' buddy, 'unclaimed treasure!

Laurie Notaro

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

Laurie Notaro

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

Laurie Notaro

Is it just another pore expanding? God, I already have pores the size of pudding cups, that's the last thing I need, another pore...to fill in with spackle.

Laurie Notaro

Is it just another pore expanding? God, I already have pores the size of pudding cups, that's the last thing I need, another pore...to fill in with spackle.

Laurie Notaro

Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.

Laurie Notaro

Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.

Laurie Notaro

Tags: humor, marriage, relationships, weddings

It's a proclamation he regards as complete absolution from answering...as if his last name was Bush, he was eighteen, and there was a draft going on.

Laurie Notaro

It's a proclamation he regards as complete absolution from answering...as if his last name was Bush, he was eighteen, and there was a draft going on.

Laurie Notaro

So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two...

Laurie Notaro

So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two...

Laurie Notaro

It was the gift that every girl dreams of, to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their lives were without you, how they were suddenly and at once deeply sorrowed at all of...

Laurie Notaro

It was the gift that every girl dreams of, to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their lives were without you, how they were suddenly and at once deeply sorrowed at all of...

Laurie Notaro