Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.
I’m telling you, every house with filthy windows has a pervert inside. Animals. Dirty minds have dirty windows. Everyone knows that. But I wouldn’t worry about the Super Rapist if I were you, especial...
I could have spent my time hugging you or I could have spent my time telling you not to touch hot stoves or take candy from men. Which did you want?
So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two...
You are basically a flophouse and a pimp away from Pepcid rehab, you know that? I informed Nana.
Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren’t dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.
I’m not big on meeting new people, especially new people I’m never going to see again. There’s all kinds of uninteresting, insincere banter, I have to pretend to be a nice person, and because 96 perce...
If there was a National Tweaker Olympics, Oregon would bring home the gold in every category (Living in Squalor, Poisoning Your Neighbors, Developing Facial Scabs, Public Aggression, Theft of Useless...
Come on, give me a shimmy! Ruby screeched from the couch as she ground out one cigarette and then lit another. You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shi...
Is it just another pore expanding? God, I already have pores the size of pudding cups, that's the last thing I need, another pore...to fill in with spackle.
In the Anthropologie mirror, I saw wrinkles, dents, flaps, bumps, and something that caused me to say to myself, I hope that’s a tumor and not a horn.
If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don't even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy.
If Nana thinks you're trying to scam her, she'll tell you, and if she thinks you ruined her life by discontinuing Arnold's Thin bread, she'll let you know that, too. I guess when you spend eighty-seve...
I need to learn to recognize and identify these danger signs when I see them, and not brush them off as eccentricities, lovable oddities, or a sign that he s crying out for help and the comforting of...
How could I compete with that? Candies and toys! I had string and glue and some very complicated dynamics going on at my station. I mean, when I was assigned to that table, no one happened to mention...
Frankly, if I walk into your house and you don’t have two hundred books somewhere that you haven’t read yet, I don’t trust you.
Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.
Sure, I'd like to lose some weight, but a tapeworm is the last way I'd like to do it, except becoming a prisoner of war.
Oh boy. Too drunk to hold on to a whiskey and Coke and the word pretty. That's not a combination with a positive outcome. Not good at all. That's the secret password that usually leaves me trying to f...
Let me tell you about Tidy. She’s smug, self-important, and frankly, just an asshole.