Joan Rivers Quotes

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her l...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no m...

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there...

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.