Joan Rivers Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Never floss with a stranger.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're...

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.