Joan Rivers Quotes

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.